The holidays are approaching, so I'd like to share some thoughts about gift-giving and receiving for you to mull over from a pro-organizer perspective.
Summary:
Gift guilt is a significant obstacle for many when it comes to decluttering.
You can do whatever you want with any gift you receive.
Once you give a gift, it belongs to the receiver to do with it whatever they please.
Set boundaries for yourself and your household and honor those set by others.
Gift Guilt and Decluttering
Gift guilt is often a significant obstacle for most people when decluttering. It is one of the most frequen
t reasons I hear from clients to justify keeping a Thing they do not need or want. It can break down the entire logic of the organizing process. How? If "received as a gift" is a priority criterion that designates something as "keep," then we lose all other reasoning and default to it as a decision-making shortcut.
That sounded super nerdy. But here's the point. You will never be able to thoroughly declutter and curate your space if how you got the Thing is a significant factor in your decision to keep or let go of the Thing.
Our environment has a profound and measurable effect on our overall well-being. Imagine what your space would look and feel like if you kept every gift you ever received. It would not serve you.
The Good and the NOT Good
I LOVE it when you find what you think is the perfect gift for a loved one. For me, those gifts feel so satisfying. I see it, and I KNOW they will love it. It feels like gift genius.
I DON'T LOVE when a giver asks me why I'm not wearing, using, or displaying a gift or makes other comments or accusations about my choices about a Thing they gave me as a gift. It feels like bullying.
I've never worked with a client in their home and NOT heard, "...But it was a gift!" or another similar concern about a giver coming over and asking where the Thing is that they gave you or why the Thing isn't out on display or in use.
Gift Giving: No Guilt, No Bullying
According to the Merriam-Webster dictionary, a gift, by definition, is "something voluntarily transferred by one person to another without compensation."
You can not be obligated to give a gift. By definition, a gift is voluntary. You are volunteering to give without expectations of anything in return beyond a polite "Thank you." The end. Full stop. Regardless of how perfect you think a gift is, it belongs to the receiver once given, who can do whatever they like with it, even if that means donating, regifting, or throwing it in the trash.
It is NEVER okay to guilt anyone for what they choose to do with a gift they received from you. If you are giving with the expectation of getting something in return, then what you're offering is not a gift.
Receivers: No Guilt, No Commitment
You are NOT obligated to keep something just because it was a gift. Keeping the Thing does not signify your gratitude, affection, respect, or love for the giver, nor are you discarding those feelings if you let go of the Thing.
The giver may think they gave you The World's Best Gift, but that does not mean you must sacrifice your space, comfort, efficiency, dignity, taste, beliefs, time, or mental health for a Thing.
Do you ever use it? No. Do you like it? No. Do you have something else that does the same Thing? Yes. Does their other one do the Thing better? Yes. Does it take up a lot of space? Yes.
We can go through a giant list of questions whose answers all suggest the item should go in the "donate" category, but somehow, "It was a gift" can trump them all. Why?
Many of us feel obligated by cultural or family expectations. Some personalities are willing to sacrifice just about anything to avoid confrontation or drama with family or friends. Wouldn't you rather be a little uncomfortable up front with some honesty than sacrifice time, effort, and space dealing with unwanted items for much longer?
I am an introvert and a pleaser. I will do a lot to avoid confrontation or, worse, disappointing someone. However, if someone doesn't value my honesty - which can take a Herculean effort to share - above the monetary value of a gift, then there is no way I can make them happy without sacrificing my mental health.
This concept is easy in theory but can be tricky in practice.
Get Ahead of the Problem
If you dread a particular seasonal gift exchange, consider an open conversation and wish list swap ahead of time to help set some boundaries. This strategy is especially beneficial if you have small children.
Provide a few ideas you know will be appreciated and won't add 100 small toy pieces that the dog will try to eat, take up half the floor space in an already crowded room, or require you to buy more storage to keep things off the floor. It may help to include a "why" if a wish list is a new concept for your gift exchange. Something as simple as "We are drowning in toys!" is enough to remind generous grandparents that more Things equals more work for your household to manage.
The same strategy works for adults. "We don't have room for new kitchen tools, but we'd love some gift cards to our favorite restaurants!"
Just like gifts, you decide what you do with your space. You decide what you have room for and what you do not.
Dealing with Giving Bullies
Consider the following strategy if a gift-giver tries to make you feel on the hook for a given gift.
The old complement sandwich works great here. One complements on either side of the truth, which may feel like bad news.
Remind the giver that their gift was appreciated (thoughtful, generous, lovely, etc.). Then, be honest. There are many ways to say this kindly. "Your gift was so lovely, but we are so tight on space, and we can't possibly keep all of these beautiful things!" Most people will understand!
But, in case they don't...
Worst Case Scenario
When dealing with someone who tries to make you feel guilty or ungrateful about a gift, no matter the situation or your logical and justified reasons, do what you must to preserve your mental health. I don't encourage lying as a general practice, but if it protects you from an unfair and stressful situation, a little creative storytelling can help keep the peace long enough to get everyone through the holiday smoothly.
"I'm keeping it in storage for a special occasion."
"I've loaned it to a friend."
"It was damaged when we moved!"
Give Thoughtfully, Receive Gratefully
So, generous givers and grateful receivers, be truly thoughtful when gifting. Make sure your giving is genuinely voluntary. Feel free to ask for ideas if you need clarification on someone's situation, storage space, or preferences!
(Note: This can be a great topic to discuss with your therapist if these issues cause more than mild inconvenience.)
Space Saving Gift Ideas:
Here are some ideas for gifts that take up little or no space!
Cash or VISA gift cards.
Digital movie download credits, eBooks, digital movies, subscriptions, games, etc.
Restaurant gift, coffee shops or take-out food gift cards, meal delivery services
Theater or concert tickets.
Salon, spa, massage, or other wellness services
Home cleaning services, lawn care services, babysitting services
Gym memberships, fitness classes
Professional Organizer Sessions ;-)
Vacations. (WOW!), tours, lift tickets, etc.
This is an excellent time of year to declutter. Want some help?
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